Constant Awareness

    Updated because I left in very personal details that shouldn't have been included in this post. From now on, I'll make sure to REALLY read through my rambles throughly before I post anything. If anything still bothers you Conor, please dm me. (otherwise can you stop checking my account? Theres nothing much to see here.)

This was written on June 10. This was 2 months into my relationship with Conor and gives a very good insight of how much stress and anxiety I was under. This is how I felt during the relationship and what I thought about it. I'm a very aware person, but I often don't use it to keep myself safe. Stupid isn't it?

I feel like I am being strangled. I cannot breathe, I cannot move, I cannot speak without feeling like I am about to die. The thing is, I can see a way to break free but it involves having to kill the one I love. To make matters worse, the one I love is strangling me because I asked him to. How fair is it to kill him for merely doing what I asked? I wanted to get strangled, I wanted to get hurt. I didn't realize my throat was already being lightly constricted by others.

I wanted a toxic relationship and here I am, in a toxic relationship. I feel like I can't complain since it was something I genuinely looked for and wanted. I know that doesn't really matter and my mental health is the most important but guilt and shame overrides those facts. 

I care too much about how other peoples feelings. I put others and their emotions first. I hate putting myself first because I always feel guilty and selfish if I care about myself too much. I think my guilt and lack of selfcare is the worst when I'm with Conor. I get terrified that if I don't change or I don't answer in ways he doesn't like or receive well, he'll hate me and leave again.

And a bad part of me wishes he would leave. So maybe I could get healthy again. I could heal again. However, at the same time, I'm terrified that I'll never find love again. I know that's unrealistic and that I probably will, but I'm scared that I'll never find someone who is willing to talk or listen my struggles with self harm, eating disorders or just anything "mentally ill" in general.

The more I talk about my relationship, the more I realize how horrible it really is. I feel unimportant as a partner, I constantly worry that he doesn't love me, I'm scared that he will leave, I hate myself because I can't easily be who he wants, I feel drained by having to just constantly reassure him that I love him and I don't hate him, even though I'm not lying. I neglect my own needs to appease him and I feel so horrible.

However, I cannot find the courage to leave. I cannot find it in me to break up with him. I promised him I wouldn't leave. I promised him that I wouldn't be like the others. I don't want to crush his spirit. I don't want to him to go back to the dangerous side of the internet. I want him to be safe. So, I find myself staying.

When Conor and I have "arguments", I find myself blaming myself and apologizing. I immediately assume I did something. My head jumps to conclusions and I self destruct. I cut myself as a punishment, I get suicidal. I call myself horrible things. I'm currently a coward for not being able to find it in me to do things HE wants me to do. I'm filled with self hatred and low self esteem because I think I only deserve to think that way. I feel like I'm too full of myself or egotistical if I try to think differently.

Conor has done so much damage to who I am as a person and I make myself aware of it but right now, I'm not in a place to want to break free. I just want to see how long this will go. How much longer can he wait until he realizes I'll never be able to be who he wants? How much of him getting pissed off and me immediately apologizing and begging him to stay, can he take before he snaps and leaves?

He seems to be happier with his other friends. He seems to value them over me. He values other THINGS over me. I know he is probably joking but it still hurts. All because I live so far away and I'm too "vanilla" for him.

I think what's ironic is that I am aware of how unhealthy and toxic my relationship is with Conor and I DO want to get out of it, I just don't want to be the one who leaves first. I don't want help. I don't want to get healthier right now. Maybe once I get out of my relationship, I'll want to get better, but I don't want to right now. I want to get worse, even though I'll feel worse.

I have an ability of being aware of where my relationships are at and if they're healthy or unhealthy, and yet I never use that ability to keep myself safe. I just ignore it because I can. I ignore it because I want to seek out toxicity. I play with blades and get surprised or upset that I get cut.

I can't talk to anyone about this either. It involves too much background information that deals with things that average people feel uncomfortable talking about. It's too heavy, too problematic, too stupid to vent about. I know how people would respond. "Just leave him". If only it was that easy. Now, I can understand how hard it can be to leave toxic relationships. It may seem easy just to block him on everything but the outcome of that is too much to think about. For all I know, he could kill himself. I know I would blame myself heavily for that.

And through it all, I still find a way and/or reason to believe it's all my fault that this happened. I was the first one to say hi, after all. So I hold responsibility. even after all I've said about him, I still love him. I still care about him. I always will. That's who I am. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just what I allow him to do because of that love for him.