Acceptance

written on december 19 2024!!! this doesn't reflect me as a person now!

 I get sick when I think of love. I cannot fathom someone genuinely liking me in a romantic way. I am hyper-aware of my insecurities and in my head, they get amplified to the max. What do you mean you like me? Do you even see me? Do you know me?

Despite this, I want to be loved so bad. I want to be held, to be cared about. I want to be loved as me. But it's so hard. Why is it so hard for someone of my identity? I am me. But people keep seeing me as someone else. Someone I am trying so hard not to be. 

I know I have to accept the fact that I will never get a high school romance. I will be single for the rest of my teen years. But it hurts. One moment I think I'm finally making progress to getting a boyfriend who is gay and seemingly liking me and then the next moment, the guy calls me a "she". What? What do you mean, "She"? I thought you saw me as a guy. I am not a girl. I am a guy! Please. Please stop calling me a she. I am not a girl. I thought you might've liked me. But now that I know now that you see me as a girl, I know you don't. I thought I was getting closer to even a talking stage.

It hurts even more than I realize. I was so delusional, so lost in my own world that I forgot about people seeing me as a female. I forgot that people call me a "she". I am not a female. I am a guy. I am a homosexual man. Please, please, please, stop calling me a girl. Please. Please. I beg of you. Please. I want to be seen as a guy. I want to be treated as a guy. Not a transgender guy, but just a guy.

It hurts so bad, knowing that I am unattractive. Knowing that I am weird. That I am unappealing. I try my hardest to be kind, quiet, respectful. But it's hard when everyone around me is not kind, quiet and respectful. I try to fit in but sometimes I forget I am the weird kid. Sometimes I just want to disappear. I just want to pop out of existence. Away from everything here. I want to start over. Make the right choices. But I can't and that hurts.

I feel that I am destined for failure. I am never making it to my 30s. The world would be in too much disarray at that time. I want to give up and die, but I am not suicidal. I just want to live without being judged for things I don't realize I do. 

I want to be loved. But part of it is wanting to catch up as most of my friends already have dated. But again, they are straight. Being a gay, autistic, transgender man significantly decreases my chances of dating before I graduate. No one would want to date a man with a vagina. No one would want to deal with my problems. No one would want to date a retarded tranny.

Part of me is wondering if my efforts are worth it. I should accept it and move on, stop trying so fucking hard to date when it's not gonna even last a month. He would get tired or exhausted of me. I am too eccentric, too loud, too insensitive when I am around people I am comfortable with. I am two people. One, where I am loud, smiley, excited with the people I am comfortable with. Two, where I am quiet, shy, subdued around people I am uncomfortable or don't know well. It's who I am.

I am too complicated, too unpredictable, too much. How could people love me? Yet, I find myself deluding myself with fantasies and dreams of the people I like. I make up worlds where they like me and what our relationship could look like. However, deep in the back of my mind, I know it will never happen. Not in the way I fantasize about it.

I don't know why just hearing the guy I like use "she/her" on me made everything crash down. It hurts so much more than it should. He probably never liked me in the first place. He is just being nice. Like what people do. I look too deep into things that don't exist. Just one thing can make it all come crumbling down. Just one.

And what makes it worse is that He, the first one I ever loved, I know and have finally accepted that he will never reciprocate my feelings. I may still crush on him, still obsess over him, but I know in my heart he will never like me. But the other guy? He is the gayest man I have ever met in real life. And you are to tell me, that he thinks that I am a girl? And because of that, he wouldn't like me? If you told me a year ago about all of this, I would've thought I was cursed.

Why can't I just undo? Why can't I just edit my character and make myself more appealing, more attractive? I hate myself to my very core, yet I still think I have a chance of getting a boyfriend. I am not on testosterone. I still have a high level of estrogen in my body. Other than my outward appearance, I am very much still a girl. And just thinking about it hurts. I am willing to rip off my skin, and fucking mutilate myself just to appear more masculine, to have even a drop more testosterone in my system. Something to make me feel better about myself and my body.

I struggle so hard with my weight, my breasts, my vagina, my face, my acne, my identity, my everything. I struggle with the idea of even getting to the point of liking myself. I cannot comprehend the idea of self-love. But nevertheless, I get by day by day, ignoring my problems. I forget that they exist. But then when a small, insignificant word is said, it all comes out. 

I sometimes wish I wasn't autistic, that I wasn't gay, that I wasn't transgender. That I was a "normal" person. I wish I was straight. I wish I was born in the gender I was meant to be born it. I wish I was attractive. I wish I was confident. And yet, I am none of it. I am stuck with who I am and I have to deal with it. I have to deal with my decisions, my mistakes, my actions. It's all me. I bear the responsibility of my own impulses, my actions, my feelings.

I may hate myself to the fullest extent of possibility, but that doesn't mean I am not proud of my identity in some way. Being transgender is not a choice. Just because I wish I wasn't transgender, doesn't mean that it is a sickness or a curse. I just wish my life was simpler. Same for being homosexual. It is not a choice. I cannot choose my romantic/sexual preference. It's not a some disease to be cured of. It is not something to be ashamed of. It's who I am and I can't change it.

Being the broken shell that I am, makes me feel almost nothing. Sure, I may cry from time to time. But it needs to be something that hits me deep. Something that hurts deep within my core. I am a very emotionally unavailable person for most of it. I can be emotional for certain things, but they either have to be non-human, something I can relate to or something extremely inhumane. It has to relate to me or being something non-human.

I am so tired and confused about myself. I am too complicated for even me and how could I ever expect someone to even begin to like me, if I cannot even comprehend and understand how I work. I am a jumbled mess of wires and broken pottery pieces, that if even I knew how, if I tried sorting something out, it would take years and years.