Hate

 written on august 25 2024!! this doesnt reflect on my way of thinking now!

I hate myself. I hate that I am gay. I hate that I am autistic. I hate that I am transgender. I hate that I am desperate. I hate my body. I hate my scars. I hate loving people. I hate how I look. I hate my personality. I hate my face. I hate my home. I hate living. I hate being sad. I hate existing. I hate my feelings. I hate being myself.

Why do I have to be so miserable. I should just shut up, shove it all down my throat and deal with it later. I shouldn't be such a crybaby. I am such a piece of shit. I am a horrible friend to people. I treat people like shit. I am a horrible person. I hate everything about my life.

I am so ungrateful for everything. I make everything about me. It's all about me. I don't ever fucking shut up. I take everything for granted. I can't even consider myself a human. I am not human. I am far worse. I do not deserve to be called a human.

Why do people care? Why do people give a shit about my life? They shouldn't have to worry about some shit like me.

I do not deserve to be loved. I see that now. I do not deserve to be treated like a human. I am too much of a retard, too much of a fucking idiot to even considered to be treated as something like that.

Why do I wish for love when I clearly don't deserve it? I feel so lonely. So isolated. I deserve it. I deserve to feel like shit. I should die. I do not have the right to burden people with my life.

I am a horrible thing. I just wish I could die in a way that wouldn't make it hard for others to deal with. I wish I could disappear, stop existing. I wish I didn't have to be so shitty.

I wish I was like others. I wish I could be called a human. I wish I was normal. I wish I could fit in. I wish I was a good person. I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid. I wish I wasn't so fucking complicated. 

I hate everything about me. I can't stand being me. I wish I could pull off my skin and make it into something I want. I wish I could be more like others.

I wish that I didn't need to wish for all this. I am stuck as a shitty and horrible thing. I can't even call myself a person. I don't deserve it.