Unloveable

posted june 24 2024! this doesn't reflect who i am as a person anymore!

 I feel unlovable. I’m too complicated. I have too many things going on. I’m too many things. I mean, I could pretend and suddenly I’m more normal, but I will never be able to hide the fact I’m gay and trans. And being both pretty much means I’ll never find anyone. Even if I pretend that I’m stable, not autistic, not weird, I can’t hide that I’m trans. I mean, sure, I could pretend I’m a cis boy, but they’ll find out eventually.

Words spew out of this mouth of mine and I don’t know where they’re coming from. I wish I could shut up and pretend like everything is fine. But everything is not fine. I want to get worse; I want to love and be loved but I feel too complicated to ever be loved. I want to be covered in scars to show that I need help. I want to be hurt and abused again. To go through trauma again. I want to be taken advantage of, be raped again. I want to be an alcoholic, a drug addict. I want to suffer. I need help and I know it, but if I get help, theres no more fun, no more suffering.

Falling in love with him changed me. I’m falling out of love with him now, but the effects still linger. My self esteem is at its all time low, my yearning for being loved only got worse and I’ve relapsed one too many times. He made me get even more worse than I was before. It’s not his fault. It’s mine for thinking I even had a chance.

Like this one song I like “An Aliens I Love You”, I, the alien, fell in love with a human but is deemed unworthy, unqualified to love. I’m the alien, being gay and trans. But even aliens deserve to love. So that means I deserve to love too, no matter who or what I am. I just have to wait for the day. But I’m getting impatient. Part of me wishes to just love someone, just jump into a relationship, just to know what receiving love feels like. No matter how short or how toxic the relationship is.

Suicide is never usually on my mind but cutting or any type of self-destructive behaviour takes its place instead. I need an outlet. I don’t care if it’s a bad one.
Sometimes when I write these things I don’t write much. I don’t know why I’ve written so much today. I only started writing today because I needed a distraction, so I don’t cut. It’s so hard right now. I’m 22 days clean. But part of me wants to make myself worse. It would be fun but is it healthy and safe? No.

I’ve found myself daydreaming more and more every night. This time, my daydreams aren’t infested with him. I find myself daydreaming about unhealthy dynamics, unhealthy relationships, more trauma that could happen. I’m a trauma seeker. I want to get more traumatized. So, I have a reason to lose my mind, to relapse, to kill myself. I daydream of unhealthy relationships where I get hurt or manipulated. I daydream more about relationships than I sleep. There’s a reason I don’t sleep until at least 1AM and don’t get up until 11am. As I’ve said before, I want to get worse.

More of a reason I know it’s gonna be hard for someone to love a person like me. I seek out unhealthy things and habits. I suppose it might be because of boredom, but I might be just trying to make it seem lighter than it is.