Agony

written on june 3 2024! this is not who i am nowadays!

 I want to tear my body apart. I want to get rid of things I don't want. To get rid of my disgusting thoughts. To cleanse my longing for him. To finally be normal. I want to rip my breasts off my chest, my fat off my legs and stomach. I want to clean my intestines up, my heart clean from impurity. I want to restart my brain and start anew. I want to rip my eyeballs out, so I don't see him again. I want to rip my tongue out so I can finally shut up for once, my nose so I never smell him again, my ears so I can be at peace, my lungs so I don't waste oxygen that he rightfully deserves, my skin so I can finally feel right and at peace.

Love is a punishment if the one you love will never love you back, and you know it. Love is a punishment if you, as a boy, love another boy. Love is a punishment if you are a transgender boy. Love is a curse designed to hurt you, to eat away at you, to make you suffer. It's even more cruel when you fall in love with someone who would despise your existence if they found out. Love is even worse when all you can do is fantasize, daydream about what could have been.